The Last 48 Hours

"For no man liveth to himself, and no man dieth to himself."

Trauma dump or verbal catharsis—I am not going to lie to anyone; I have been having an increasingly hard time. A heaviness has touched not only me but also the places I find comfort in and the communities I look to with awe. We are all victims of arrogance, whether our homes have been stolen, our breaths taken away, or our peace of mind has evaded us.

In the last 48 hours, I have evacuated and performed CPR. I am writing this to process and bypass my discomfort because there is so much I do not know at this moment. I hear people say California deserves this. I hear rhetoric warning to stay away from the unlucky. I see other states envying the federal support Southern California might receive.

My apartment is 15 minutes from the burned areas. I hope my life doesn’t burn down—I make do. I hope my family member wakes up—I have faith. I hope the lady who picked up the phone’s house is alright—I hold onto hope. I mention this because, now more than ever, we can see how systemic and connected suffering is. Selfishness makes abusers out of many of us—our governments, our envy, our disregard for others. Whether it is the lack of concern about climate catastrophe in the face of greed, the scarcity of water, or environmental disasters creating toxic air, bad things happen. Sometimes, they happen all at once. Sometimes, they cascade into periods where no victim is their own cause of suffering. Sometimes, we are victims of being too trusting or of the bad judgment of others.

Before the Last 48 Hours:
I was in a depressive stupor for three months after what I am now processing as an assault by a friend and collaborator. This was followed by verbal abuse from another friend who berated me for not “getting over it” quickly enough. I was told my grief had exhausted his good faith. He said I expressed my feelings only to make my life more interesting.

I hear the same rhetoric now about the fires. Who wants to be an assault victim? Who wants their home burned down?

We’d all rather be anything but victims.

I avoided spending time with my family. The assaulter told me it was my fault, and I believed him. Much like reports saying DEI initiatives are the reason for the lack of firefighter initiatives. I was already doing the work of rationalizing their behavior, writing it off as mistakes or misunderstandings much like how affected Californias are looking for reason or meaning at this moment. I was apologizing to the people who hurt me for being vulnerable to pain. I was ashamed of myself for being affected, so I couldn’t get up.

When I called my family, I reluctantly explained why I couldn’t make it to Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Year’s. I laid in my apartment for days, unmoving, and stayed there for weeks on end. I called the hotline down the street—the assault hotline—crying. Each time I connected with the Pasadena Center, on three separate occasions, the same woman on the other end told me, “What you are feeling and what you are dealing with are congruent with someone who has been assaulted and emotionally abused. That person was selfish.” Even then, I didn’t fully believe her- she soothed me.

In those hard moments, that lady who picked up the phone each time spoke so much life into me that I was able to visit my family during the windstorms. I promised my family I would show up on Jan 6, but it was hard to move through the feelings I had. I finally showed up on Jan 7th at 6:00 pm. The Eaton Fire started shortly after, at 6:47.

Twelve hours later, a family member fell unconscious, and I performed CPR until the paramedics arrived. That woman’s listening and understanding didn’t just save me—they saved my family.

Unfair suffering has consumed homes, health, and time. Can we do the selfless thing of hearing and helping each other out?

When people grieve—no matter how good you think they have it—let them.