Recently I’ve gotten into watercolors, primarily because whenever I see watercolors it illicits a temporal feeling in whatever work it's used in. As a medium watercolors are adaptable, unfixed, and to a certain extent uncontrollable. This leaves room for ideas to be lost in translation, especially for a newbie to watercolors like myself.
As I painted “I lay my regrets to rest”, what had at first had been a means to getting myself familiar with watercolors by use of random brush strokes at this little desk I've used since I was like 10. I found myself crouched down playing with watercolors. Enjoying the pigments, seeing how they mixed, blended, and mingled, and all that jazz. I got to a point where I was like “look at the MESS that I made" and tried to reconcile with the reality that I wasted some paper. Then what could be regarded as divine intervention or the fact money does not grow on trees and I can’t just be out here just be wasting watercolor paper like that.
I found myself revisited the piece a day later with a new set of eyes, and as I revisited the piece, I felt also revisited myself.
It reminded me, how most of my life has been getting to know myself, random decisions, many mistakes, random brush strokes. As I grow and change I can recognize my missteps more vividly. At first, regret set in. Regret for who I allowed access to me, what I tolerated and, some (a lot) of the things I’ve said. At first, the recognition of failures, the lapse of judgments, and stuff like that made me feel like SHIT, I thought to myself “well I've wasted so much time” and for a while, I punished myself with those words. Thinking I had to lug around this feeling of defeat.
Gratefully, just as watercolors have an air of temporality, feelings also have a temporary nature and pass in time. The acknowledgment that I gained the ability to recognize these faults means I have grown a lot. Which is nice.
This didn't mean I could erase them though, but like revisiting the painting, I could make them into something I felt better about. I could use these regrets to inform my future decision and I could let life’s lessons speak to me clearing a path out of missteps. Allowing the newfound morals, values, and standards to be birthed out of the uncomfortable test. I made a portrait out of my mistakes.
Mistakes are fundamental, mistakes can guide you and redirect you into something better than you imagined. Welcome them, embrace them, and if you do not like where they have taken you, transmute them. Create something that you will feel proud of in life and art.
I'm sharing this because I know regret can be a bully and growth can hurt, and it's easy to think you wasted time and develop a “why change now, I'm in too deep” mentality. I'm just asking you to not, I'm asking you for your own sake to revisit your past and enter your future with an “I know better, so I do better.” mentality.
What started as random lines and puddles of pigment by an inexperienced watercolor painter, turned into chiseling out eyes, lips, and hair. What started as what I thought of as a collection of mistakes created something that I regard as art. Something that feels like a time capsule to the regret and mistakes without feeling like a burden.
There is a lesson in that and I hope everyone finds ways to reconcile with their past big or small. Love you and until next time :)
another version of the same thing
this is a digitally played with version of the same piece, semi collage work.